About a year ago I wrote this post. It’s crazy how it’s almost exactly a year later and I feel like today I’m in that exact same spot, I could write that exact same post. I don’t know if it’s due to the change in seasons, or if it’s because the school year is almost over, or if it’s something about May and that causes me to just about lose it with her. My sweet first born.
Sometimes I do lose it. Like yesterday. When it should have been a good day. She had a great day at school. I received an email from her teacher praising all of her hard work. I cried. I was proud of her and there was nothing but love.
But then stuff happens. And all of a sudden it’s like I’m hopping back on that ride and it’s spinning and spinning and spinning out of control and no matter how much I scream I can’t stop it.
I know yelling does not help. Yet I do it anyway.
I know threatening to take away everything she has and values does not help. Yet I do it anyway.
I know telling her I’ve had enough and she now has to deal with daddy doesn’t help. Yet I do it anyway.
I know having a tantrum like she’s having doesn’t help. Yet I do it anyway.
I’m not proud of how I act. Then I feel guilty and promise myself I’ll never do it again. Yet I do anyway.
I know what doesn’t work. Yet I’m still trying to figure out what does.
And I pray dear God, oh dear God, please don’t let any of my stupid parenting mistakes completely mess her up. She’s not even eight yet. We have a lot more battles to face. Help me figure out how to better deal with them. Help me to be more patient and kind and grace giving. And help me to trust you that I’m doing a few things right. And that she’ll turn out okay.
And I just keep on holding on.