holding on

 

 

About a year ago I wrote this post.  It’s crazy how it’s almost exactly a year later and I feel like today I’m in that exact same spot, I could write that exact same post. I don’t know if it’s due to the change in seasons, or if it’s because the school year is almost over, or if it’s something about May and that causes me to just about lose it with her. My sweet first born.

 

 

Sometimes I do lose it.  Like yesterday.  When it should have been a good day.  She had a great day at school.  I received an email from her teacher praising all of her hard work.  I cried.  I was proud of her and there was nothing but love.

But then stuff happens.  And all of a sudden it’s like I’m hopping back on that ride and it’s spinning and spinning and spinning out of control and no matter how much I scream I can’t stop it.

 

 

I know yelling does not help.  Yet I do it anyway.

I know threatening to take away everything she has and values does not help.  Yet I do it anyway.

I know telling her I’ve had enough and she now has to deal with daddy doesn’t help.  Yet I do it anyway.

I know having a tantrum like she’s having doesn’t help.  Yet I do it anyway.

I’m not proud of how I act.  Then I feel guilty and promise myself I’ll never do it again.  Yet I do anyway.

 

 

I know what doesn’t work.  Yet I’m still trying to figure out what does.

 

 

And I pray dear God, oh dear God, please don’t let any of my stupid parenting mistakes completely mess her up.  She’s not even eight yet.  We have a lot more battles to face. Help me figure out how to better deal with them.  Help me to be more patient and kind and grace giving.  And help me to trust you that I’m doing a few things right.  And that she’ll turn out okay.

And I just keep on holding on.

 

Ana - I’m so glad I’m not the only one.

Naomi - Ditto to what everyone said. And i like what A said…give yourself grace. Because boy do i need that reminder too. You are such a great mama, dont forget that! Your kiddos are lucky to have you. I totally could have written this too…been feeling like a failure a lot these days and terrified our 3rd is already messed up in utero from all of the yelling and nagging i do! Lately, my patience is nill. Max tests every ounce…maybe its the age but lots of whining and tantrum throwing (complete with banging head on floor) and the guilt after yelling…oy. This parenting thing is hard!! Hang in there :)

Heather M. - oh friend, i could have written this post too. hang in there. parenting is SO hard, so extremely hard. you love her so deeply and you love God even more and i think that means more than anything. and i think saying sorry goes a very long way. how i wish i would have heard those words from my parents growing up. love you and am praying for you. thank you for being so honest and real. it’s so encouraging to know i’m not alone even though i feel so alone some days. your kids are so blessed to have you as their mama. wish i could give you a big huge hug. heck, i wish we were neighbours so i could give you a hug every day.

tracey - Love what A said, because it’s all true. I just sat around a table of young moms yesterday and they all confessed this very same thing…this fear that their own flaws are going to ruin their kids.
Remember the 80/20 rule?
You are a fabulous mom. Your kids are blessed to have you!

Andrea - We all seem to do the same parenting things over and over despite wanting not to do it again. I know I do – yell, scream, threaten, shame, and then feel horrible guilt and wonder how I’m screwing Max up and confirming all my inner dialogue that I’m not a good mom, and I shouldn’t have become a mom. But I also believe we do the best we can with what we have at any given moment.
Give yourself some grace, Stacey.
You’re an excellent mom. AND you’re human. ;-)
Xo

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