random messy stuff

 

 

I’ve been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to decide what to write in this post.  I have this random jumble of thoughts inside my head so I’m just going to start typing. Forgive me if they make no sense.  Then again, I really don’t care if they don’t make any sense.  I just need to spit them out.

First off, I’m very uncomfortable posting these photos of myself.  They make me feel all self-conscious.  And I don’t want people to get the wrong idea.  Like, gosh, she’s weird, she’s posting pictures of herself.  Why would she post pictures of herself?  Especially grainy and out of focus pictures of herself.  Self-portraits are not my thing.  I don’t particularly like photos of myself.  But sometimes I think it’s important to force myself to take these photos.  Just like it’s important to self-analyze.  And it matches my self-analyzing mood today, so the pictures fit.  The grainy and out of focus pictures fit more than you know.  Even though I don’t like posting them, I forced myself too.

 

 

Speaking of self-analyzing….  I’ve been doing a lot of it the past 24 hours or so.  Like why I do the things I do, why I react the way I react, why the “littlest” things can be so big for me and impact me in such a huge way.  The “littlest” thing will spiral into this huge thing and will make me realize just how messed up I am.  And then I try to snap out of it.  Move on.  It’s not that bad.

 

 

But then again it’s okay for me to be real, right?  It’s okay to be raw and flawed and to share that on this space.  My life is not that perfect, wonderful weekend as described in my last post.  Sure, I had a wonderful weekend.  But my life is not always perfect and wonderful.  Sometimes I have bad days.  Bad days that I don’t necessarily write about here.  Bad days that make me think and self-analyze.  I’ll snap out of it.  But sometimes I just have to sit in the bad day for awhile.  I have to be okay with that.  Those around me have to be okay with that.  It’s okay.

 

 

And it’s not a cry for emails or phone calls or texts…what’s wrong, Stacey?  Sure, those are nice and all.  But it’s not what I’m fishing for.  I’m not writing this post for attention.  I’m writing it because I need to be real.  Sometimes I just need to sit in a bad day so I can get through some of my stuff on my own.  Sometimes I can’t answer the “what’s wrong?”.  Because sometimes I just want to keep that to myself.  Or sometimes I just plain don’t know.

What I do know is that I am loved and that I am a work in progress.  And that even though some days it is a hard one to believe, I am a beautiful mess.

And that’s all for today.

 

georgi - okay… so now i can comment on this. i love these. they feel so intimate… like you are letting us in to see you more closely. i know how frightening that can be. the older i get, the less i want people to get close. but you’ve done it with beauty and grace. and i don’t think you should feel funny about posting them, ’cause to me, it’s like any other photo you take. you are a worthy subject as much as any other you choose to photograph. and i love them!! that said, i completely understand the tone of this, too. sometimes i just want to spill it all out… not necessarily the details… but the emotions or mood. life is just difficult some days. it’s why i recently wrote about charmed lives and how none of us have them, even if it looks that way to others. when we post things like in your “still floating” post, it might give others the impression our lives ARE charmed. and i’d hate to think anyone thinks that of me, because it’s anything but. so i really desire to let the difficult moments show, too. or the quiet, introspective. but then i feel like i have to hide it. a delicate balance, i guess. well… i’m rambling. but i do love this. glad i stopped by to see it before it’s pushed back into the archives. =)

tracey - I didn’t see this post the other day. ??? Not sure how I missed it.
Anyway, somedays you’re up and somedays your down. I love the light in these so much. Makes the beauty of the rawness that much more real.
Hugs.

Diana S. - It’s good to see other bloggers post really personal and raw things. I know I just did that last Thursday and I was worried that other people may view it morbidly. But you know what, that’s how I felt at the time.

Heather M. - i adore these photos of you. wish i could take some rockin’ selfies like this. and i think it’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to be honest and the fact that you wrote that you know that you are loved is so awesome. i often think about that phrase “a beautiful mess” often and pray that that would be my life.

skeller - blessings to you, friend. i like your raw selfies. they make me … feel. methinks that without “bad days” we might forget we’re just sojourners here.

Carla - I totally understand. I sometimes wish I could put stuff out there. I always worry about what will happen if my ex reads it or one of his family members. It’s not that I would be bashing him or anything but it’s just putting stuff out there that people could take the wrong way.
Anyway . . . I love the photos. You’re eyelashes in that 4th photo . . love.
Thanks for always being real.

jean - i know… sometimes when i write things down… i have it saved wanting to publish it later then i never publish it but delete it.. sometimes i feel like i don’t want to whine about life.. but sometimes, we need to. we need to get it off our chest. i think it’s healthy. right?
i’ve been self-analyzing lately.. my own self. my self with the bf. my self in the work area. my hobbies. and things around me. i think it’s pretty normal to be like that… because we are worth every bit of it, right?
i think we are all a work in progress. and we never stop learning about ourselves and life itself.
also, i think winter could be over already. i think it may help us with this… ;)

michelle - I know one thing you wrote that is 100% true: YOU ARE LOVED.
More than you’ll ever know.
I adore these shots and am so glad you posted them.

Jenn - These are beautiful selfies, I’m glad you posted them. Your words too. I find it really hard… I’d like my blog space to be a more accurate representation of our life – the good and the bad – but when I’m wrestling with the bad and the ugly it’s so hard to put that into words. Hugs, friend.

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