I’ve been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to decide what to write in this post. I have this random jumble of thoughts inside my head so I’m just going to start typing. Forgive me if they make no sense. Then again, I really don’t care if they don’t make any sense. I just need to spit them out.
First off, I’m very uncomfortable posting these photos of myself. They make me feel all self-conscious. And I don’t want people to get the wrong idea. Like, gosh, she’s weird, she’s posting pictures of herself. Why would she post pictures of herself? Especially grainy and out of focus pictures of herself. Self-portraits are not my thing. I don’t particularly like photos of myself. But sometimes I think it’s important to force myself to take these photos. Just like it’s important to self-analyze. And it matches my self-analyzing mood today, so the pictures fit. The grainy and out of focus pictures fit more than you know. Even though I don’t like posting them, I forced myself too.
Speaking of self-analyzing…. I’ve been doing a lot of it the past 24 hours or so. Like why I do the things I do, why I react the way I react, why the “littlest” things can be so big for me and impact me in such a huge way. The “littlest” thing will spiral into this huge thing and will make me realize just how messed up I am. And then I try to snap out of it. Move on. It’s not that bad.
But then again it’s okay for me to be real, right? It’s okay to be raw and flawed and to share that on this space. My life is not that perfect, wonderful weekend as described in my last post. Sure, I had a wonderful weekend. But my life is not always perfect and wonderful. Sometimes I have bad days. Bad days that I don’t necessarily write about here. Bad days that make me think and self-analyze. I’ll snap out of it. But sometimes I just have to sit in the bad day for awhile. I have to be okay with that. Those around me have to be okay with that. It’s okay.
And it’s not a cry for emails or phone calls or texts…what’s wrong, Stacey? Sure, those are nice and all. But it’s not what I’m fishing for. I’m not writing this post for attention. I’m writing it because I need to be real. Sometimes I just need to sit in a bad day so I can get through some of my stuff on my own. Sometimes I can’t answer the “what’s wrong?”. Because sometimes I just want to keep that to myself. Or sometimes I just plain don’t know.
What I do know is that I am loved and that I am a work in progress. And that even though some days it is a hard one to believe, I am a beautiful mess.
And that’s all for today.